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| Image Credit: @amandaoleander |
I’m currently reading this amazeballs book (‘Women Who Run With the Wolves’) by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, who really delves into the female psyche to examine and explain various aspects of our behaviour. This lead me to reflect and think deeply about women in general and question why we tend to do some of the things we do, especially with regards to relationships. It’s no surprise or shock that women are often described as obsessed with dating and relationships - I can't count the amount of times I’ve overheard females openly express their frustration with their partners - I for one am also guilty of this. We spend so long trying to understand every minute detail about our mating partners that we forget to use the same amount of energy to understand ourselves and our feelings. For this post I will attempt to think out loud regarding how we as females can explore our psyche in order to ultimately make better decisions….
WISHFUL THINKING
I believe as females we possess a unique ability to not only respond to
and anticipate our present situations but also weigh up the pros and cons of potential
long term situations. However, I believe this very unique ability can
contribute to our demise when it comes to the subject of ‘love’. Take me for
example - in my previous relationship with Sean (let's call him Sean for
privacy's sake), I definitely was struck with a form of...let’s call it
“Wishful Thinking Syndrome” (not a medical diagnosis!). There were various
aspects of Sean that really atrracted me; he was very hard working, did really
well for himself financially, was always there for his friends and was also
very in touch with our African culture. As fascinating as all these
characteristics were, they only attributed for my present situation with Sean
and by no means accounted for who he would be (concerning our relationship) in
the future.
I translated his hard-working ability and good finances to mean he could
provide for me (if I ever needed) and (hopefully) spoil me with gifts. I
translated his very logical mind and displayed dependability to assume he would
be invested in my personal development and be available to advise me whenever I
needed. Worst of all, I translated his cultural awareness/connection to our
African culture to mean he would (relatively soon) be ready for
marriage/starting a family. To no surprise, the high expectations came crashing
down before me, which leads to my next point…
IGNORING THE SIGNS
While I glamorised and held very highly Sean’s good points/points I felt
would benefit me, I failed to pay attention to the issues he did not hesitate
to present. There were various odd occurrences I somehow chose to be oblivious
to - the fact that after two years of being in said relationship he refused to
leave his mobile phone alone in a room with me. Or the fact that he received
phone calls (at odd hours in the night) from a female he claimed was his
sister. Oh, and let’s not forget when he would go on vacations to Africa and
give me absolute radio silence. Not to talk of showing up to my place empty
handed on my birthday or outright declining my proposal to explore the possibility
of moving in together. I’m by no means a saint nor am I a victim, as I most
definitely gave my share of raged revenge. However, in the grand scheme of
things, I chose to stay in a relationship much longer that I should have
because of my Wishful Thinking for a future that could never truly be. Typing
this now, I realise how ridiculous I was to ignore such signs, but when we open
ourselves to fall in love, it's very difficult to exercise logic. This leads to
my next point…
INTUITION
Every female being has a unique voice within that guides us in this
great journey called ‘life’. Whether it reminds us to take an umbrella, or not
to wear those heels (as we’ll regret it later) or the bigger/deeper messages
such as somethings up or he’s hiding something. We all have that voice, that
intuition. I feel we quite often do not pay that voice enough attention and it
ultimately becomes very quiet or even worse silent. Though I fell deeply in
love with Sean, there was a (potentially) pivotal point where my intuition
flagged up the red flags and warned me all was not as it seemed. Unfortunately,
the volume of my intuition was not as high as that of my Wishful Thinking -
which I chose to listen to over and over again. Though falling in love can be
an amazing experience, it often leaves us very vulnerable and open to (dare I
say) abuse and mistreatment. Looking back, I realise how important it is to see
people for who they are and not what they can be - to listen to my intuition as
she is always right. If anything, I would advise to take your time with dating,
get to know the different depths of your partner before daring to bring your
(precious and often fragile) heart to the table. Because once your heart is
involved, logic is basically out the window!